Handicap Spaces and other Tidbits

As I took a break today at work, I noticed how many handicapped parking spaces we had. I was surprised at not only the shear number of spaces, but by how many of them were actually occupied. I thought to myself, "Damn, my company is really into hiring handicap people, how awesome!" Then as I stood there smoking my cigarette, I started to noticed something. I saw a couple of these "Handicapped" people actually pulling into the special spots as well as getting in and leaving. First, what surprised me the most was that I actually got to see a handicap person pulling into a handicap spot, how lucky for me!!! That's like witnessing the Pink Rhinostriped Anaconda in the wild, how sweet is that!!! Seriously ask yourself, how many times have YOU actually seen someone pull into the handicap spot? Thought so!! After the initial shock of actually getting to witness this, I began to notice something else. Handicap people are really agile and quite nimble. I couldn't believe it! I have always expected the people who were using these special spaces to actually have something physically wrong with them. You know like maybe they should have a limp, maybe being using a wheelchair, maybe they are really old, maybe even pregnant, I mean something noticeable, hell I would even be happy if the person got out of the car and started crab walking across the parking lot, damn give me something! Unfortunately I didn't get see anything like that. I was totally bummed out. What I did see, at least in my expert medical opinion, was perfectly healthy people pulling in and jumping out their car and walking pretty damn well right into the building. This really intrigued me, so I decided to smoke another cigarette and continue to analyze this strange behavior. After witnessing a couple more of these "Handicaps" both coming and leaving the special spots, I began to see a pattern. What pattern you say? A big fat pattern I say!!!!!!!! It hit me like a ton of Big Macs with a bag of Cheetos!!!!! All of the "Handicaps" I was seeing were, how should I say it, ummmmm, oh yeah, FULL BODIED. As this new observation sunk in, I started to question myself, have I had the wrong idea all my life of what a handicap person was????? Why would everybody lie to me all these years? My parents, my teachers, my friends, hell they even had a handicap episode on the Smurfs. Damn you all for lying to me all these years! Nobody ever had the balls to tell me that handicapped just meant that your were fat and lazy!!!! As I sat there and shook in disgust I realized something else, these same "Handicaps" are the same people who never take the stairs, always the elevator for them. Stairs, hell no, not them, you couldn't convince them to take the stairs even it was down one flight and you offered to kick them in the ass. I guess "Handicaps" have some sort of genetic fear of stairs, who am I to judge? They are also the same "Handicaps" I see eating six and half pounds of bacon smothered in Ranch dressing topped with cheddar cheese and butter for a morning snack. Mmmm just made myself a little hungry. My mind was just going completely wild with all this information I was taking in. I started to think to myself, "Maybe they should put all the handicap spots as far away from the building as they can?" Seemed to make sense to me. Maybe I just came up with the cure for handicapism? Well, I thought to myself, I'm on roll! Hell, how about we make all the "Handicaps" take the stairs too???? Maybe we could even limit their daily calorie intake to less than 20,000????? As I stood there smoking my cigarette (which are perfectly healthy, the doctors are all liars), looking into the distance while slowly nodding my head in agreement. I, Crane, have in the fifteen minutes it took me to smoke my cigarettes found a cure for handicapism. I fucking RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Discuss