Billy Badass or Not?

Today my friends I will speak about a certain type of person that I really can't stand. To help explain my point I will use a celebrity that I feel best displays all the traits I despise. I believe most of you are aware of the little unshaven leprechaun that goes by the name of Colin Farrell. That's right bitches I said Colin Farrell! I will admit that when the little fella first came on the seen, I was impressed by his badass ways. He sorta struck me as an Irish version of Chuck Norris, sweeeeeeeeeet. I really connected to him, he loved to smoke (me too), he loved to drink to excess (me too) he loved the ladies (me too). Damn, three for three I was sold, I had a new hero!!!!!! How could I resist? He was a foul mouthed, chain-smoking, women-loving, alcoholic after my own black heart. I thought to myself, I could definetely get piss drunk with this guy and break shit.

As time passed, I begin to take notice of the leprechun in the the media. I would read, watch, listen to interviews and stories involving him. Then something happened. I'm not sure exactly when or where, but I started to get a real funny feeling in my stomach. I knew right away what this feeling was but I didn't want to admit it! How could it be? This guy was awesome! Unfortunetely my "Billy Badass" meter never lies. As I sat there drinking my beer coming to terms with this latest observation, it all started to make sense.

There are certain men amongst us, that I like to refer to as "Billy Badasses" aka "Tommy Toughguys". They can usually be identified by thier loud ass voices when visiting a drinking establishment, sporting event, family reunion, weddings, pretty much anywhere people congregate. They are usually spitting off profanities like a machine gun. Now for those of you who are asking the question, "But Crane, you like to flow profanities like a fucking waterfall?" Yes I do, but there is a difference. I am native speaker of foulmouthery. Hell my first word was motherfucker. I have the unique ability to use profanity in pretty much any situation and it sounds natural. Now on the other hand the "Billy Badass" uses profanity for nothing more than the shock value. Don't believe me, go look at some of the leprechaun's past interviews. Yeah he cusses, but look close, it's forced, you can tell that he is doing it for the shock value. Fucking pathetic. In addition to using loud forced profanity, the "Billy Badass" also tends to be a one-upper. You know the type, you tell him you hooked up with a hot volleyball player, and he one-ups you by saying he hooked up with the whole team. Again when we look at the leprechaun and his is asked about his sexual conquests he gets a certain snicker look on his face. Pussy, real men don't need to brag, we know our scores. On top of that he is usually the guy that bumps into you, or steps on your shoes, or spills your drink while you are in a bar. Now a stand up guy would just apologize and move on, but not "Billy Badass" he will look at you like it's your fault. It's is usually right about that time that the "Billy Badass's" world comes crashing down. Despite all the loud profanity, all the one-upping, all the tough guy posturing, the "Billy Badass" is really a fucking pussy who can't back up his actions. He assumes that all this bravado will deter real bad dudes from stomping him into a human salad. Unfortunetely this is really never the case, and the "Billy Badass" routinelly takes good ole' ass kickings. So back to my original point, I have no doubt that Colin Farrell is nothing less than a "Billy Badass". He fits all the characteristics. I'm sure that I certain point in his life, he had to make a very difficult decision. Should he become a ballerina and fullfill his true dreams? Or should he falsly portray himself as real bad dude knowing it was all a lie? We all know what he chose. Colin, if you feel that this is an inaccurate representation of you, please feel free to contact me so I can headbutt you upper jaw into the back of skull.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

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